Story Time
"In the time of
Tertullian and Clemens of Alexandria [late 2nd - early 3rd centuries]
the
glory of martyrdom was confined to St Peter, St Paul and St James.
It was gradually bestowed
on the rest of the apostles by the more recent Greeks, who prudently
selected for the theatre of their preaching and sufferings some remote
country beyond the limits of the Roman empire." – Gibbon
(Decline & Fall, 15)
Fantasy Factory
"The monks of succeeding
ages, who in their peaceful solitudes, entertained themselves with
diversifying the deaths and suffering of
the primitive martyrs, have frequently invented torments of a much
more refined and ingenious nature."
– Gibbon (Decline & Fall, 15)
A Fate Worse Than Death
"It is related that pious females, who were prepared to despise
death, were sometimes condemned to a more severe trial, and called
upon to determine whether they set a higher value on their religion
or their chastity ...
The seasonal interposition
of some miraculous power preserved the chaste spouses of Christ from
the dishonour even of an involuntary
defeat."
– Gibbon (Decline & Fall, 15)
Boob Job
St. Agatha
Agatha, a wealthy virgin of Sicily, had vowed her chastity to Christ.
But Quintinian, a dastardly Roman consul, had designs on her virtue.
Thwarted, he had Agatha put in a brothel run by 'Aphrodisia'.
But still she managed to preserve her virginity.
A furious Quintinian
had Agatha racked, scourged and her breasts cut off. These were
miraculously restored by a vision
of St
Peter.
The determined consul
had Agatha rolled naked in live coals mixed with broken potsherds.
Agatha died in prison.
She was also burned at the stake. And also, when she failed to ignite,
beheaded.
Gosh, talk about
sex and violence.
What Would Jesus Do?
"Jerome, in his
legend of Paul the Hermit, tells a strange story of a young man who
was chained naked on a bed of flowers, and
assaulted by a beautiful and wanton courtesan.
He quelled the rising
temptation by biting off his tongue."
– Gibbon (Decline & Fall, 15)
Mind of a Fanatic
St Ignatius?
Just a tad TOO concerned with the mechanics of his own death?
"Let the fire,
the gallows, the wild beasts, the breaking of bones, the pulling
asunder of members, the bruising of my whole
body, and the torments of the devil and hell itself come upon me, so
that I may win Christ Jesus."
– Foxe's Book of
Martyrs, 1968
Ignatius supposedly wrote this lurid drivel to Polycarp while on his
way to martyrdom at Rome in 115.
HOW tall?
"It
seems to be universally held that the Clementines are based upon the
doctrines of the Book of Elchasai or Helga, which was much used by the
Ebonites.
The contents of it were said to have been revealed by an angel ninety-six miles high to
a holy man Elchasai in the year 100 ..."
– The Catholic
Encyclopedia, IV.
Lion Food?
No claim that Christians
had been "thrown to wild beasts in
the Colosseum" was made until 17th century – until the amphitheatre
was being pillaged for building material to rebuild St Peters.
by Frank Zindler
The vile
tableaus of sadistic versatility would be grimly amusing were it not
for the fact that, having convinced themselves that their pioneers
had thus suffered, the Christians really did inflict such cruel barbarism
on their opponents.
PS: A female apostle?
"Salute Andronicus and Junia, my kinsmen, and my fellow-prisoners, who are of note among the apostles, who also were in Christ before me." – Romans 16:7
Early sources, including papyrus P46 circa 200, record the female form "Junia". But later sources add an accent on the final syllable to produce a more acceptable, if rather rare, male "Junias"! |
Christianity's House
of Cards
A
silly story about garden dwellers and a snake, fables about
a bunch of fictitious Hebrew patriarchs, unsustainable
nonsense about slavery in Egypt – and that's just
for starters!
Prophecies
wrenched from the tall tales of long dead soothsayers,
bits and pieces cribbed from popular legends, numerous
rewrites and alternative scenarios plagiarized back and
forth and – lo and behold! – the
priestly scribblers arrive at a nebulous universal saviour.
Around
this non-existent godman inventive minds fabricate a
gang of equally non-existent disciples. These noble fellows
are accorded a colourful variety of fictitious deaths
and their fanciful heroics are said to inspire generations
of loving Christians who cruelly suffer persecutions
at the hands of dastardly Roman emperors.
But
good triumphs over evil. Constantine seizes power and
his ruthless ambition is finessed into a bogus sign of
God's approval. The brutal elimination of dissent is
transformed into an heroic struggle with diabolic forces
and papal despotism is masqueraded as Christ's Loving
Church. At
length, pious minds tire of fabricated saints and Church
venality. In the fragmented empire of Christ, priestly
scribes return to the purity of fable – and their
own little piece of the sanctity business. |
Martyrs to the Cause: Those "Suffering
Disciples"
"Would
the disciples have suffered and died for a fabricated saviour?"
One of the
reeds of straw holding up the shabby edifice of Christendom is
the alleged suffering and cruel fate of his original apostles,
the 12 disciples chosen by the Lord himself. By their heroic,
cheek-turning sacrifice, these worthies earned their martyr's
crown and joined their Lord in Heaven. In so-doing, they inspired
generations of noble Christians, who ultimately taught the blood-thirsty
Romans the Christian values of compassion and brotherly love.
Well, that's the myth.
Though cruelty
and human suffering have ever been integral to the history of
the Church the fanatics of Christ have rarely been the victimized
innocents. Rather it has been the Christians who have bathed
their faith in the blood of others.
There is NO
corroborating evidence for the existence of the 12 Apostles and
absolutely NO evidence for the colourful variety of martyrs'
deaths they supposedly experienced. The Bible itself actually
mentions
the death of only two apostles, a James who was put
to death by Herod Agrippa (see James for
a discussion of this tricky character) and the nasty Judas
Iscariot (see below), who gets several deaths because he's the
bad guy.
Legend and
tradition alone, dreamed up by the early churches
in their bid for legitimacy and authority, provided the uplifting
fables of heroics and martyrdom. The plethora of conflicting
claims and alternative deaths stand eloquent testimony to wholesale
fabrication of the non-existent godman's non-existent companions.
The
Fabricated Deaths of the Apostles
1.
Peter (aka Simon, Cephas).
"Beheaded
by Nero?" No, not really. This legend was dreamed
up by the mid-2nd century pope Anicetus (156-166)
when he became locked in a conflict with the venerable Polycarp
of Smyrna. Polycarp had tried to win the argument
(over the dating of Easter) by insisting that he
spoke with the authority of the apostle John.
In response, Anicetus staked a claim to Peter, and Peter,
"Prince of the Apostles", trumps John.
2nd
century texts known as the "Clementines" had
made Peter the "first Bishop of Rome" and 3rd
century invention gave him a 25-year pontificate – which
made it a tad tricky for him to have died at the hands
of Nero but, hey, this is "tradition." 3rd century
Church Father Origen dreamed up a colourful
flourish: Peter, feeling himself unworthy to be crucified
the same way as his Lord, chose option 'B' – crucifixion
upside down!
2.
James, son of Zebedee (James the Greater?)
Acts 12.1,2
says simply:
"Now
about that time Herod the king stretched forth his
hands to vex certain of the church. And he killed
James the brother of John with the sword."
Later
legend adds the truly extraordinary nonsense that
the Roman
officer guarding James converted on the spot and elected
to be beheaded beside him! Even later fabrication has
James traipsing
around northern Spain before he dashes
back to Judaea for martyrdom.
3.
John, son of Zebedee.
This
guy has to be kept alive long enough to take care of
Mary, lead the church in Ephesus, write the Book of
Revelation and write his own gospel. He even
survives being boiled in oil and is given a natural
death!
Actually, John bar Zebedee disappears from the yarn in Acts at the same time his brother James is more dramatically removed from the story. The last reference to John is also verse 12.2. From Acts 12.12 onward we are dealing with another John "whose surname was Mark" – a lightweight character who nonetheless is credited with authorship of the first gospel.
The impending demotion of the thunder brothers is actually prefigured in Mark's gospel (and is embellished in Matthew, where Mrs Zebedee does the talking). The boys ask for front seats in the hereafter. JC is having none of it:
"And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, come unto him, saying, Master, we would that thou shouldest do for us whatsoever we shall desire. And he said unto them, What would ye that I should do for you? They said unto him, Grant unto us that we may sit, one on thy right hand, and the other on thy left hand, in thy glory.
"Jesus said unto them ... to sit on my right hand and on my left hand is not mine to give; but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared. And when the ten heard it, they began to be much displeased with James and John." – Mark 10:35-41.
Thus while the earthly career of Jesus features prominently brothers James and John, "the sons of thunder" (Mark 3.7), the story of the early church features a new James, "the brother of Jesus", and a new John, a sidekick to Paul and Barnabas (see below). We know little about either, although the death of James bar Damneus (Josephus, Antiquities 20.9) provides a basis for the colourful martyrdom of brother James beloved of Christian apologists.
4.
Andrew, brother of Peter.
Pious
invention gives Andrew a wonderful career covering
everywhere from Scythia to Greece, from Asia Minor to Thrace. This
guy, it seems, took option 'C' on the crucifixion
menu: on an x-shaped cross. Apparently this allowed him
to
continue preaching for 2 days.
5.
Philip.
Fable
places this guy in Phrygia, Carthage and Asia Minor.
The fairy tale has a proconsul crucifying him for converting
his wife. Perhaps the love feast got a bit out of hand.
6.
Bartholomew (Nathanael)
What a traveller – India,
Persia, Armenia, Ethiopia and southern Arabia! Miraculously
he managed to get himself crucified (flayed alive
and beheaded!) in both India and Armenia. Pretty impressive
stuff. Even when dead his bits got about: a church in Rome
claimed most of his corpse but 11th century Canterbury did
a roaring trade with his arm! His emblem is the flaying knife.
Cool.
7.
Matthew (Levi son of Alphaeus)
This
guy has to be kept alive long enough to write his
gospel – at
least 20 years after the supposed death of Christ.
Credited with 15 years in Jerusalem, then missions
to Persia and
Ethiopia and, of course, martyrdom in both places. According
to Medieval iconography he worn spectacles, the better
to count his tax money.
If Matthew, aka Levi, is a son of Alphaeus (Mark 2.14) then presumably he is also the brother of James son of Alphaeus (Mark 3.18)? And yet we are told the lesser James is a son of Mary, sister of the Blessed Virgin and wife of Cleophas (John 19.25). In which case, the evangelist Matthew is a cousin of Jesus himself! However, Acts 1.13 tells us that the lesser James has a brother called Judas (aka Jude) whereas Mark (15.40) and Matthew's "own gospel" (27.56) both say that James has a brother named Joses. So we now have a regular band of brothers: James, Joses, Judas – plus Matthew/Levi ... which comes mightily close to the supposed four brothers of Jesus himself!
Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? – Matthew 13.55.
8.
Thomas Didymus (the Twin) aka Judas Thomas or Jude Thomas
Another
grand traveller, seen everywhere from Parthia to Kerala in
south India.
4th century invention, appropriately enough, gives
this 'twin' 2 martyrdoms, one in Persia and one in
India. He even gets a burial in Syria to boot! Yet another resting
place, Mylapore, was claimed by the Portuguese in 16th
century. Most famous for his "doubt", Thomas inspired
a whole
raft
of pious flimflam: the Acts of Thomas (he built
a palace for an Indian king, would you believe), the Apocalypse
of Thomas, the Gospel of Thomas, and the Infant
Gospel of Thomas.
Now, have you still got any
doubts ...?
9.
James son of Alphaeus (James the Less – or is James the Just?)
The
myth-makers really go to town for this guy. Thrown
down over 100 feet from the pinnacle of the Temple
by "scribes
and Pharisees", he actually survived only to be
stoned, have his brains dashed out with a fuller’s
club and have his body "sawn
asunder" – all this at the age of 90!
Of course, if we don't conflate James the Less with James the brother of Jesus (an identification made by Jerome and later Catholics) all this mayhem belongs with the righteous James and the fate of the lesser James is unknown.
Perhaps it's the being sawn in half which causes the confusion?
10.
Jude/Thaddeus /Lebbaeus /Daddaeus
Either
a serious clubbing or crucifixion for this mixed up guy in
the city of Edessa or Persia. Apparently his fan-club suffered
because his name sounded too much like Judas.
11.
Simon the Canaanite/ the Zealot.
Invention
came late for this guy. When it did, it was a beauty – crucifixion
in Persia and also crucifixion thousands of miles
away in Britain. He also managed to preach in Africa.
Quite
an act to follow.
12.
Matthias.
Fantasy
sends this guy to Syria, Cappadocia, the shores of
the Caspian and the "City of Cannibals" (Acts
of Andrew and Matthias).
Death by burning. Also death in Jerusalem by
stoning – and
beheading. Really just makes up the numbers, sometimes
merging with Matthew and sometimes swapped out
to let Paul into "the twelve."
13.
Judas, son (or is that brother?) of James.
Nothing
yet. Feeling inspired?
14.
Levi, son of Alphæus.
Refer to his alter ego Matthew.
Mark
(John Mark).
Though
neither Clement of Alexandria (?153-215),
nor Origen
of Alexandria (182-251) seem to have noticed, Eusebius
of Caesarea (c.263-339) relays the news that the apostle
Mark had been "first bishop" of Alexandria and had
suffered martyrdom in the "eighth year of Nero." This
would have been 61 AD – rendering the apostle dead before
the death of Peter whose memoirs Mark
supposedly wrote up as
the
Gospel of Mark. "Dragged to death", or
maybe not. His bones – well, someone's bones – turned
up in 9th century Venice.
Luke.
"Hanged
on an olive tree." Or, "lived to the age of 84 and died
unmarried." Body parts claimed by both Padua and Constantinople.
Paul.
"Beheaded
by Nero." No, not really, but legend tells us he shared
the same fate as Peter, even dying on the same day. Pious romances
scribbled between the 2nd and 4th centuries – Acts
of Paul, the Apocalypse of Paul, the Martyrdom
of Paul and
the Acts of Paul and Thecla – provide all the fabulous
nonsense you could ever wish for.
Multiple
deaths – a biblical motif for making
sure the bad guys get it REALLY bad
The
4
very different deaths for King Saul.
1 Samuel (31:4)
says that Saul "Took a sword, and
fell upon it".
2 Samuel (1:2-10)
says Saul, at his own request, was slain
by an Amalekite.
Later
in 2 Samuel (21:12) we read that
Saul was killed by the Philistines on
Gilboa.
But
then in 1 Chronicles (10:13-14)
we learn that Saul was slain by God!
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Judas Iscariot.
 Ah, this nasty looking character looks
like a Judas
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The
multiple deaths of Judas Iscariot
–
If
the Jewish authorities, with their own agents, really had
wanted to arrest a Jesus, supposedly a guru drawing vast
crowds, they certainly would not have
needed to hire an inside informer to identify the charismatic
leader. Nor is it creditable that 'big money' would have
been paid
for (of all things) a kiss of
the doomed messiah (Mark 14.44). The theological
symbolism is as apparent as the history is bogus.
The mythic "Judas" was
a Gentile/Hellenistic creation of the early 2nd
century, an eponymous focus for the anti-Judaism and
anti-Semitism of the early Church. "Iscariot" appears
to have been taken from the name of a rebel group called Sicarii,
Jewish assassins who used sicae (small daggers),
who were largely exterminated shortly before the first
Jewish war.
Ignatius,
writing his epistles about 115, made no mention of a Judas
Iscariot, but then, nor did he mention any 'disciples'
(Paul and Peter are called 'apostles', that is, missionaries – like
himself).
But with
a theologically necessary betrayal by 'a
Jew/the Jews' the divine saviour passes, body and
soul, into the possession of the Gentiles.
In their
disposal of Judas, the hapless traitor of the Lord – how
could he help it, he had been entered by Satan?! (Luke
22.3)
– the Christian scribblers get quiet carried away. Papias in
the 130s got the ball rolling.
| Judas,
The Fall Guy |
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Early 2nd century:
"Judas
walked about in this world a sad
example of impiety; for
his body having swollen to such an
extent that he could not pass where
a chariot could pass easily, he was
crushed by the chariot, so that his
bowels gushed out."
Papias, "Exposition
of the Oracles of the Lord" Book
II. |
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2 fairytales which made the
biblical final edition:
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Matthew
27:5
"And
he cast down the pieces of silver in
the temple, and departed, and went and
hanged himself." |
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Acts
1:18
"Now
this man purchased a field with the reward
of iniquity; and falling headlong, he
burst asunder in the midst, and all his
bowels gushed out." |
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4th century embellishment:
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"Judas
was a terrible, walking example of
ungodliness in this world
... For his eyelids, they say, were
so swollen that he could not see the
light at all, and his eyes could not
be seen ... when he relieved himself
there passed through it pus and worms
from every part of his body, much to
his shame.
After
much agony and punishment, they say,
he finally died in his own
place, and because of the stench
the area is deserted and uninhabitable
even now; in fact, to this day no
one
can pass that place unless they hold
their nose, so great was the discharge
from his body and so far did it spread
over the ground."
Papias,"Exposition of the
Oracles of the Lord" as
quoted in Apollinaris of Laodicea,
Christian priest and storyteller.
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Church
of the Shadows
After the "deaths" of
the Apostles, even Church
historians offer no great
missionary figures (they make a weak attempt with Ignatius).
The gap of more than two centuries is filled with an anonymous
church
of the shadows.
Retrospectively,
the void was filled with "suffering Christians" – a
fallacy, invented by a triumphant Church for its own greater
glory, elaborated at length by the feverish minds of medieval
churchmen and perpetuated in our own time by the studios of Hollywood.
Propagandists
would concoct a fanciful story in which the ‘blood of
the martyrs became the seed of the church’; they would
tell of a continuous progress, first in secret then openly, by
which brave, pious, humble, and noble followers of Christ, faced
up both raging lions and sadistic emperors. By their submission
to suffering with a divinely inspired countenance, these pioneers
of Christianity – apparently – won first the respect
and then the heart of a dark and cruel pagan world.
Who Persecuted Whom?
Across three
centuries, a handful of Christian "martyrs" can be cited from
a few locations.
Their number, far from substantiating any general or sustained
persecution of the
early Christians, is no more than we would expect of
a fraternity that, by the time of Constantine's coup, amounted
to some tens of thousands and was drawn disproportionately
from criminal and marginal classes.
The general
persecution of Christians occurred
only when the Christian Empire turned its ferocity upon the
heretics.
The Roman
Empire had lasted more than a thousand years and persecuted Christians
for fewer than twelve of them. The 'Christian Empire' also lasted
more than a thousand years and persecuted non-Christians through
all of them.
Enlighten
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Copyright © 2005
by Kenneth Humphreys.
Copying is freely permitted, provided credit is given to the author and no
material herein is sold for profit.
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