Jesus Christ –

The Neighbour from Hell

Jesus Never Existed –  Imaginary Friend

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Kenneth Humphreys



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He who has ears
Let him hear!

Bad Jesus!

5-minute enlightenment
for those in a hurry



Animal cruelty

Your pets could be in danger – JC drove pigs to suicide.

"And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand); and were choked in the sea."
Mark 5.13




Fruit bushes – could suffer from Jesus blight





Jesus the credulous

JC's presence next door could prove useful at the barbeque (a few sardines and a couple of bagels will feed everyone).

But be wary if you get ill – this guy thinks sickness is caused by demonic possession and we all know what happened in The Exorcist.

JC-the-role-model does humanity no favours by discouraging critical thinking and promoting popular credulity.

By encouraging belief in the irrational and the fantastic it leaves people – particularly the simple, the uneducated and the young – open to charlatans and con artists, as two thousand years of Christian history tragically illustrates.






Family Discord

Your family could be at risk! JC advised hatred of family members before you could join his gang.

Jesus mocked traditional values of family, food practices and religious observance and even offered a bribe for abandoning wives and children:

"And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."

– Matthew 19.29.




Jesus Freaks Could be Armed!

"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one."
Luke 22.36.




A Good Whipping for Jesus

Flagellants have emerged repeatedly in Christian history, notably the "Disciplinata di Gesu Cristo" led by friar Raniero Fasani in 13th century plague-ravaged Italy.

Stripped to the waist, the penitents scourged themselves till the blood ran. It didn't seem to affect the plague much.






Jesus Christ – A Superman for All Seasons






Odd kink

Whether man, god or fabrication, why on earth does JC require a woman to wipe his feet with her hair?

"Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair."
– John 12.3.








JC – Is he Gay?

"Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Rabbi!" and kissed him." – Mark 14.45.

At dinner parties Jesus has a penchant for washing feet. He also has scantily clad male admirers.

"A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind." – Mark 14.51,52.

Jesus commented on hundreds of controversial issues but curiously homosexuality was not one of them. Perhaps the "Secret Mark" gospel explains why ...

"But the youth, looking upon him, loved him and began to beseech him that he might be with him.

And going out of the tomb, they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich.

And after six days Jesus told him what to do, and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body.

And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God."

– Secret Gospel of Mark



"Shame" of long hair says St Paul

"Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?"
– 1 Corinthians 11.14.






Hippy Lifestyle?

"Take no thought for the morrow." –  Matthew 6.34.

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.

Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?"
– Matthew 6.25

I guess that rules out school and the shopping mall.







JC is intolerant prude?

"Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off." – Matthew 5.28,30

Jesus is seriously disturbed here. He demands self-blinding and amputation to avoid the odd lusty thought.

And just what is so terrible about admiring a woman's beauty? JC is sexless?




JC is a misogynist?

"Simon Peter said to them: Let Mary go forth from among us, for women are not worthy of the life.

Jesus said: Behold, I shall lead her, that I may make her male, in order that she also may become a living spirit like you males.

For every woman who makes herself male shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."

– Gospel of Thomas 114.

Even if we discount the Gospel of Thomas, the fact remains JC accepted without question the subordination of women in his society.









JC is a Republican?

Jesus has a questionable sense of fairness. He says the rich should be made richer and the poor poorer.

"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath."

– Matthew 13.12.








JC is a Communist?

Then again, Jesus advises the rich to dispose of their wealth.

"If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor."  – Matthew 19.21.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal." – Matthew 6:19

Not exactly the Capitalist way.

And what about those beautifully rich churches? Sounds a bit like Commie stuff to me.

Actually, both Lao-tse and Buddha offered similar impractical platitudes, 600 years before Christ.




Judge Jesus Won't Judge! Attorneys panic

"For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son."
– John 5.22.

"And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world." – John 9.39.

"I judge no man." – John 8.15.

"I came not to judge the world, but to save the world." – John 12.47.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged." – Luke 6.37.


Bitter Puritan

"In the Gospels Jesus utters hardly a single sentiment which, apart from chastity, he does not violate ...

He has not one word of guidance in the great problems of social life because be believes that the world is coming to an end.

He is the archetype of the Puritans: scornful of all that is fair in life, bitter and unjust to those who differ from him, quite impracticable – nay foolish – in many of his counsels. It is absurd to say that our modern world has any use for Christ."

Joseph McCabe (Did Jesus Ever Live?)



Christianity – the ultimate definition

"The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your lord and master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree."

– Joel Grus (Your Religion is False)





Jesus Christ – A Paragon of Virtue?

But let's not forget, Protestants were as good as anyone else at burning witches, heretics, native 'savages' and even Catholics.

The universal defence from Christians of all shades is that it is not Christ that has failed but man himself. The godman was perfect, pure, his message cut from whole-cloth 100% sweetness and light.

Before you sign up for the rest of eternity snuggled up with this supersized prince of perfection spare a moment to consider what he would be like even as your next door neighbour.


Loved Up

There goes the neighbourhood. Jesus caroused with a gang of unemployed young men and the odd prostitute. Some of them had abandoned wives and children to join his gang and "love one another."

"They forsook all, and followed him." – Luke 5.11.


A Walking, Talking Contradiction

If Jesus had been the creation of a single author his character might have been consistent and believable. But as the work of many hands the godman is a mass of contradictions, most notoriously over his very divinity.

Is the superhero God? It's something that Christ-followers have drawn blood over at least since the time of Arius in the 4th century. Even a child could assemble a mass of quotations both for and against the idea (all the way from "I and my Father are one" (John 10:30) to "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).

But what could we expect from a character pencilled in from sundry episodes lifted from Jewish scripture and a collection of aphorisms?


What made Jesus so perfect?

Christians of all stripes aver that their hero was "perfect", whatever that might mean. Did he have perfect sweat or no sweat at all? One can, by all means, trundle out all the "love" teachings to be found in the gospels but that is to be highly selective and would say nothing that had not been said by earlier, human philosophers anyway.

"Perfection" should extend to every teaching and action and yet if we look closely at the behaviour and utterances of our superstar we find no paragon of virtue.


Pagans Knew Better

"Injustice is a sin. Nature has constituted rational beings for their own mutual benefit, each to help his fellows according to their worth, and in no wise to do them hurt."

"When those about you are venting their censure or malice upon you or raising any other sort of injurious clamour ... it is still your duty to think kindly of them; for nature has made them to be your friends."

Jesus? No, 'Meditations' of the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius (161-180), a pagan who devoted his life to the defence of Roman civilization.

He despised the fanatics of Christ who delighted in Rome's misfortunes.


Trouble and Strife

The Jesus Christ of the gospels is a patently artificial construct. This Prince of Peace also preaches discord and strife:

"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." Matthew 10.34.

Having told his fans to love their enemies, alarmingly, Jesus also tells them to turn families into enemies!

"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." Matthew 10.35,36.

" If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." – Luke 14.26.

How far does Jesus go with this malevolent (and plainly ridiculous) dictum? Matthew provides the answer:

"And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." – Matthew 10.21.

Having alienated his followers from their families with this murderous nonsense Jesus advises his adoring groupies on how to deal with their own body parts that lead them into sin – amputation! They are to mutilate themselves by cutting off hands and plucking out eyes. He says it's better to be "maimed" than to suffer the "everlasting fire" of hell.

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." – Mark 9.43,47.

According to the malefic sage, merely looking at a woman "with lust" was a sin. 3rd century Origen was one young and impressionable Christian fanatic who took the words of his Lord a tad literally and castrated himself. He was neither the first nor the last Jesus-follower to glory in self-abasement and abuse. In the hair-shirted centuries that lay ahead tens of thousands of the brethren would mortify their own flesh in accordance with the pathetic dictates of the godman.

In times of acute social hardship and plague, despairing believers, taking upon themselves guilt for general misfortune and personal tragedy, submitted voluntarily to half-naked frenzies of public lamentations and floggings. Indeed, punishing the body for the good of the soul remains a main tenet of the Christian psychosis.

Jesus Christ is the chief honcho of a physically dangerous, family-threatening, mind-warping cult! Still want to live next door to the superstar?


Pagans Knew Better

Porphyry (232-305) was the nemesis of the Christians. They 'refuted' him for generations and then settled for burning his books.

"A famous saying of the Teacher is this one: 'Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you will have no life in yourselves.'

This saying is not only beastly and absurd; it is more absurd than absurdity itself and more beastly than any beast: that a man should savor human flesh or drink the blood ... and that by so doing this he should obtain eternal life!

Tell us: in recommending this sort of practice, do you not reduce human existence to savagery of a most unimaginable sort?"

– Porphyry Against the Christians (Hoffmann, p49).

Jesus Danger to animals and plants

Did those Gadarene swine really deserve their fate? And the ruin of "they that kept them"? Mr Omnipotent could have sent those devils up in a puff of smoke but instead JC chooses animal cruelty on quite a massive scale.

– Keep an eye on your dog and cat, JC might toss demons into them!

(But, of course, "animal cruelty" was not an issue with the scribes who actually wrote the yarn.)

And cursing a tree because its fruit wasn't in season? Why not just produce figs?

"No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever"... "behold the fig tree which thou cursedst is withered away." – Mark 11.21.

– Better also keep an eye on your fruit bushes, JC might blight them!


Jesus – Praises Dishonesty

In Luke 16 – the so-called "Parable of the Dishonest Servant" – Jesus, with approval, describes a rich man praising the dishonesty of a servant. The steward, accused of waste, faces dismissal so he dreams up a strategy to secure his future.

"I am resolved what to do, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their houses."
– Luke 16.4.

The "they" refers to each of his master's debtors, whom the steward connives with to mark down their debts. Yet apparently:

"The lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light."  – Luke 16.8.

Mr 'Perfect Jesus' adds:

"And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." – Luke 16.9.

Wow! – not one for the Sunday School. But then JC not only praises dishonesty he is also, it seems, quite able to be dishonest. According to John 7, Jesus and his gang were strolling in Galilee and the merry men urged the boss to wrought wonders in "Jewry" at the Feast of Tabernacles. JC declines:

"I go not up yet unto this feast: for my time is not yet full come." – John 7.8.

Hardly had the followers departed when the superman does precisely what he said he wouldn't do:

"But when his brethren were gone up, then went he also up unto the feast, not openly, but as it were in secret."
– John 7.10.


Jesus NOT so compassionate

After the disruption of families, amputations, the fate of the swine and the odd fig tree, one might also wonder if Mr Loving Kindness really has a sense of compassion. Surely he loves everybody? Bizarrely, JC instructs:

"Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead." – Matthew 8.22.

This was said to a disciple who had just lost his father and wanted time to bury him! Even the hardest-hearted employer would give time for your father's funeral!

An insensitive Jesus leaves Lazarus lying in his grave for four days so that the miracle of his resurrection appears more impressive.

In another incident the hapless Judas Iscariot questions why Jesus has expensive ointment (a pound of "spikenard" worth 300 denarii, or a year's wages) rubbed on his feet (and wiped off with a woman's hair!). Surely, says Judas, the money could have gone to the poor?

"In a time where the poor were bled to death without an income tax calculator, this seems to be a very cruel action on his part."

In a retort that must always have delighted the plutocrats of the Church, JC says:

"For the poor always ye have with you; but me ye have not always." – John 12.8.

Well, we could all say that! Why not do something about poverty?

Judas, of course, like the other disciples, is a Jew and the early church took pains to distance itself from this perfidious people. Is JC himself an anti-Semite? Certainly he dissociates himself from the Jews, as if they were not his own people:

"But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." – Matthew 8.12.

Guess who "the children" are? Did the Jews ever have a chance?

It is also worth noting that the "great moral teacher" at no point condemns the practice of slavery, quite a shortcoming for the supposed saviour of mankind. Indeed, the advocacy of a belief that everything is by God's will – including tyranny and enslavement (and that happiness is to be realized in heaven after death), is intolerably immoral.


Pagans Knew Better


"It is surely unsound to deny that good of life to animals only because they do not appear to man to be of great account ... The very plants: they have life, and life may bring good or evil; the plants may thrive or wither, bear or be barren ...

Those that deny the happy life to the plants on the ground that they lack sensation are really denying it to all living things ...

What then is happiness? Let us try basing it upon Life ... Happiness can exist only in a being that lives fully ... Life in its greatest plenitude, life in which the good is present as something essential not as something brought from without, a life needing no foreign substance called in from a foreign realm, to establish it in good.

When man commands not merely the life of sensation but also Reason and Authentic Intellection, he has realised the perfect life.

There exists no single human being that does not either potentially or effectively possess this thing which we hold to constitute happiness.

And if death taking from him his familiars and intimates does bring grief, it is not to him, not to the true man, but to that in him which stands apart from the Supreme, to that lower man in whose distress he takes no part."

– Plotinus (204-270), The Six Enneads. Plontinus was one of the last of the great pagan philosophers.


Humble or Arrogant?

It's claimed that JC's perfection was shown by his unbounded "humility" – and we all know how wonderful it is to show humility, way up there with curing cancer and feeding the hungry.

Would you believe the majestic superstar left the comforts of eternal heaven to rough it for a few years on earth. A carpenter in the boondocks of Galilee, for chrisake? A bit like a drop-out with a trust fund. Aren't you impressed?

But the Jesus Christ character is NOT a being of limitless humility. Although he is a self-styled religious radical, Jesus arrogantly muscled into the establishments of Judaism:

"Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues." Matthew 9.35.

When he goes to the Temple, the heart and soul of Judaic worship, he has the audacity to overturn tables and ruin the dove-keepers' stalls:

"And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast out them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves; And would not suffer that any man should carry any vessel through the temple." – Mark 11.15,16.

Jesus Christ, in fact, is incredibly arrogant. He calls himself "Lord and Master" (John 13.
13) and those who follow him "Little children" (John 13.33). Or else, he's the "Shepherd" and you are the "sheep" – and sheep, of course, get fleeced!

JC's arrogance actually began early in life. Imagine the anguish that a 12-year-old going missing for 3 days causes his parents. Now the fable tells us that Jesus went missing and his "sorrowful" parents searched for three days before eventually finding the boy at the Temple. Yet Jesus doesn't apologize – he blames them for not knowing that he was doing his "real father's" business!

"And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing. And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?
And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them."
– Luke 2.48,50.

So why does the Church assign "humility" to their cocksure hero? For the same reason he is, when required, holy, righteous, gentle and meek. Quite simply, he is the measure of all things, roaring like a lion and bleating like a lamb, a conquering monarch and a willing sacrifice.

Any suffering you might have to endure is as nothing compared to his suffering. And even though you may not have a trust fund, and you're certainly not going to heaven, the priests would have you follow his sublime example. Attend Church; keep to the rules; do what you're told; be humble – and don't even think about complaining. When you're dead you'll get your reward!


Pagans Knew Better

Celsus (110-180?) was an Epicurean rationalist. He wrote scathing critiques of magicians and Christian tricksters.

"Just as the charlatans of the cults take advantage of the simpleton's lack of education to lead him around by the nose, so too with the Christian teachers: they do not want to give or receive reasons for what they believe. Their favorite expressions are "Do not ask questions, just believe!" and: "Your faith will save you!" "The wisdom of the world," they say, "is evil; to be simple is to be good." We are told that Jesus judged the rich with the saying 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god.'  Yet we know that Plato expressed this very idea in a purer form when he said, 'It is impossible for an exceptionally good man to be exceptionally rich.' Is one utterance more inspired than the other?"

Celsus (On the True Doctrine)


Jesus is insufferable

Arrogance leads to smugness and JC is never lacking in self-satisfaction. Jesus knows everything and therefore can't be told anything he doesn't already know. He cannot be deceived by men, because he knows their innermost thoughts even before they speak.

Does such prescience lead him, like the Buddha, to a benign acceptance and universal toleration? Far from it. JC is filled with vindictive fury - an attitude which is not uncommon with evangelical preachers.

Anyone who won't listen to his preaching will be on the receiving end of the vilest curses and gets a free pass to everlasting torment.

"Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come." – Mark 3.29.

"The Son of Man shall send forth his His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth."
– Matthew 13.41,42.

Again and again, JC makes intimidating offers.
Talk about carrot and stick! Bribery or burn – what's it to be?

"If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. – John 15.6

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you." – John 15.7

Supposedly JC was "full of grace". What this odd phrase means is that he did not discriminate against anyone. Great attitude? Think about it. Most people make more discerning judgements. Would you happily have a beer with a serial killer or a paedeophile? Saddam Hussein? George W. Bush?

"Jesus is a glutton, a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and sinners. He makes, in other words, no appropriate distinctions and discriminations. He has no honor. He has no shame." 
– Crossan (The Historical Jesus, p. 262)

Priestly use-value: Don't censure the high, the mighty or especially the priesthood. When they get caught with their pants down it's time for "grace."

JC is also supposedly full of "truth". In fact, he said he was the truth. Trouble is, JC's truth varied with the day of the week.

Priestly use-value: JC has a quote for every occasion and every pronouncement has divine authority. Jesus Christ is truly a Superman for All Seasons.

Jesus is boringly obtuse

Much of the time even JC's disciples couldn't fathom what he was talking about. Medieval Churchmen spent a lifetime pondering and still couldn't agree. Why does JC speak in parables?

" That seeing they might not see, and hearing they might not understand." – Luke 8.10.

If that doesn't baffle you try these:

"For judgment I am come into this world, that they which see not might see; and that they which see might be made blind." – John 9.39.

"He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal."
– John 12.25.

JC's parables are both trivial and incomprehensible.

Jesus lacks any sense of humour

JC may condescend to wash your feet, especially at dinner (kinky, eh?) but don't expect him to make you laugh. This guy is Mr Serious. The problem began with the fraudsters who perceived humour as unworthy of the Majesty of God. For them humour was undignified, frivolous, and unbecoming of the divine. Seriousness, on the other hand, implied gravity and, of course, Truth.

"Jesus" never laughs and unfortunately life imitated artifice. The suppression of yet another human impulse had a corresponding dire consequence for the psychosis of Christianity. Laughter, along with joyful music and sensuous dance, were denounced as the stratagem of the Devil, a feast of fools. The asylum of Christendom was a dark and somber tomb.


Pagans Knew Better

The rhetorician Lucian (c.125-180) regarded Christianity as a form of sophistry spread among the gullible. He paints a portrait of a Christian/Cynic charlatan who sets himself ablaze – a publicity scam that rebounds on him.

"Peregrinus, having strangled his father, unable to tolerate his living beyond sixty years ... learned the wondrous lore of the Christians, by associating with their priests and scribes in Palestine. 

In a trice he made them all look like children, for he was prophet, cult-leader, head of the synagogue, and everything, all by himself. He interpreted and explained some of their books and even composed many, and they revered him as a god ...

When imprisoned, the Christians, regarding the incident as a calamity, left nothing undone in the effort to rescue him ... from the very break of day aged widows and orphan children could be seen waiting near the prison, while their officials even slept inside with him after bribing the guards ...

Peregrinus ... procured not a little revenue from it. Indeed, people came even from the cities in Asia, sent by the Christians at their common expense, to succour and defend and encourage the hero ...

The poor wretches have convinced themselves, first and foremost, that they are going to be immortal and live for all time, in consequence of which they despise death and even willingly give themselves into custody ...

They despise all things indiscriminately and consider them common property, receiving such doctrines traditionally without any definite evidence. So if any charlatan and trickster, able to profit by occasions, comes among them, he quickly acquires sudden wealth by imposing upon simple folk."

– Lucian of Samosata, The Passing of Peregrinus


Jesus is a racist!

Jesus manages to combine misogyny with racism in a spiteful utterance to a Canaanite woman in the region of Tyre and Sidon:

"A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession ... Lord, help me!'

He answered, 'I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel ... It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs.' " – Matthew 15.22-26.


Jesus is a Schizo!

Jesus displays behaviour associated with a spectrum of psychiatric conditions, paranoia, hallucination and delusions of grandeur foremost among them:

As many as 60% of those with schizophrenia have religious grandiose delusions consisting of believing they are a saint, God, the devil, a prophet, Jesus, or some other important person. How do we explain to our patients that their psychotic symptoms are not supernatural intimations when our civilization recognizes similar phenomena in revered religious figures?

– Murray, Cunningham, Price, The Role of Psychotic Disorders in Religious History Considered, The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, Fall 2012.


Jesus and hygiene: a stinker

The Pharisees and scribes drew the attention of Jesus to the scandal of his followers eating bread without first washing their hands. It was a tradition but a sensible one.

"Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, 'Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don't wash their hands before they eat!' ... Jesus called the crowd to him and said, 'Listen and understand. What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.' " – Matthew 15.1,11.

JC rebukes his critics as "hypocrites" because they didn't honour all traditions. But the fact remains, Jesus had nothing to say about personal hygiene and Christianity – unique among religions – set itself against cleanliness (a vanity) and bathing (an inducement to immorality). The damage to public health for a millennium was incalculable.


Jesus ain't so smart after all

"Jesus answered, Are there not twelve hours in the day?" – John 11.9.

Jesus – or rather the self-deceived fools who fabricated his story – thought that their saviour would be back "in clouds of glory" before the death of the people living at that time. 2000 years later and we're still waiting.

"You shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come." – Matthew 10.23

"There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom." –
Matthew 16.28

Jesus offers another peculiar gem of wisdom when he warns that expelled unclean spirits increase sevenfold!

"When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation." – Matthew 12.43-45.

This bizarre fecundity of unclean spirits may explain the claim of Luke 8.2-3 that out of Mary Magdalene "went seven devils."

Jesus – who nowhere shows himself to be intellectually superior to the ignorant peasants around him – holds up children, of all people, as an example for men to follow. Our hero admires their ignorance and helplessness:

"And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." – Matthew 18.3-4.

As they say, ignorance is bliss.


Jesus does NOT love his own enemies

In the most famous utterances of all time, JC mouthed well-intentioned but disastrous bad advice:

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." – Matthew 5.44.

"Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." – Matthew 5.39.

Who are we kidding? Try telling that one to George Born Again Bush. Hating enemies, punishing wrong-doers, bringing retribution to the wicked are as natural and as necessary as daylight. Even Jesus does not heed his own advice, threatening those who don't believe in him with hell:

"Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be damned"
Mark 16.16

In any event, Christians have always in practice preferred the principle of "See that other guy's land? Let's go grab it!"
And don't be fooled by all that "love your neighbour" stuff. Even the mythical Jesus Christ is no paragon of virtue!



Jon E. Lewis (Ed.), The New Rights of Man  (Robinson, 2003)
George Long (Trans.), The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius (Collins, 1950)
Michael Parenti, History as Mystery (City Lights, 1999)
Robin Lane Fox, Pagans and Christians (Viking, 1986)
Bruce Metzger, Michael Coogan (Eds) The Oxford Companion to the Bible (Oxford, 1993)
John Boardman (Ed.), The Oxford History of the Classical World (Oxford, 1992)



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Copyright © 2005 by Kenneth Humphreys.
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